Bah! Imagine reading this, barely moments (a week and a bit) after I’ve officially tied the knot with Paul. I’ve been hanging on for the last seven years and now Oscar-winning harridan Reese Witherspoon is leaving her lovely husband Ryan Phillippe.

The cow! She must have been waiting until I was officially taken before letting him go. She obviously knew what would happen if we were able to get together. Him moving to Sheffield to be close to me would not have been ideal for the children I suppose.

In a statement issued today, I said “Bugger! Obviously, my thoughts are with Ryan and his family at this sad time.”

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